Au Revoir, Mon Amant

Breaking up is hard to do. But for the first time in my life, I feel equipped to survive it. I was falling in love; he wasn't...so there is nothing to be done but part ways. For once I'm mostly seeing things more logically than emotionally, while giving myself the opportunity to feel every feeling I have, acknowledge it, and let it go...as I let him go. Having a broken heart truly sucks...it's probably the worst pain in the world; but from experience I know I will heal, and that keeps me breathing.

I don't want to get too psychological here and start analyzing all the mistakes I made. For sure, there have been plenty. But I'm glad I still have the ability to love and to be unguarded with my deep emotions. I'm glad I've decided to place a higher value on what I have to offer in a relationship. I'm glad I made a choice to protect my heart instead of staying in a situation that is unrequieted. That's never good and I believe it hurts less now than it would later.

I entered this relationship with my eyes open to the rules, contexts and boundaries. I was willing to be in a situation where other women were also welcome to my boyfriend. That never materialized while I was with him, but the "threat" was always looming and slowly beating a deep purple bruise into my heart. When the issue arose again last week I realized that this is not a situation I can handle emotionally; more importantly, it's not one I want to handle.

I'm extremely giving and generous to the people I love. I aim to give freely and without expectation, because I find great joy in giving joy. This is not a particularly valued or respected trait in a Capitalist society, so I've always devalued this aspect of me. This year I've embraced the part of my nature that receives pleasure and fulfillment from serving others...it's been a wonderful thing to accept as an important part of Who I Am. Prior to this acceptance of this part of myself, I always ended up with bitterness and anger about what I gave to others...often receiving a meager percentage in return. I'm grateful that I don't feel that way in this situation, and instead that I'm taking responsibility for my choices. It's a different reaction and that must mean I've learned something.

As I go through the inevitable grief and loss of a really fun relationship, I'm working on claiming as my own all of the good things I gleamed out of it. I earned all of the goodness, so I'm taking it with me. In the past I've always wanted to divorce myself of every single thing that reminded me of the relationship...but not this time.

• I still want to learn more about the French language...to challenge myself with its impossibly seductive dialect and sentence structure.
• I want to explore more about gardening
• I want to continue to have relationships with "his" friends who are now my friends
• I want to keep listening to my newfound desire to have children, even at this late stage in the game
• I want to keep healing from my past and opening myself up to the possibility of love
• I want to keep believing I am lovable and worthy of an equal return of the love I give
• I want to keep listening to the radio station he turned me onto

My personal challenge of the moment, in spite of my desire to retain all that is good, is to start experiencing Austin sans Thierry and claim my experience here as my own. Because we've been together since I moved here, he is in every vista, every highway, every place...and almost every relationship here. There is a perilous dichotomy of embracing and letting go...embracing and letting go...