Family Ties

For the past week I've been enjoying my family. Even that statement carries with it an assortment of emotions...because in every person, every relationship that remains intact, there is this looooooong history of drama, laughter, nostalgia, storytelling, loss and survival. In every pair of eyes there is a connection to every other pair of eyes that has ever (family-wise) looked into mine.

To grossly understate the truth, we've all been through a lot. Personally, and collectively. We've endured the passing of some dearly beloved members, through death...and simple stubborn pride. Sometimes we can talk about these things and sometimes we can't. But when we all spend time together, I'm reminded of parts of myself that I have either forgotten or intentionally blocked out. I don't think I ever imagined our lives and relationships being exactly as they are today, but in spite of this short-sightedness, I'm immensely grateful that things have turned out the way they have, and that those of us who remain, remain close and accept each other "as is." That's pretty freakin' miraculous.

I have struggled in the past few days to find words to adequately describe the overwhelming pride and love I'm feeling at the birth of my great-nephew Tyler. I've bailed on weak attempts because while I've always loved to write, I simply don't have the incredible gift of creating transcendent odes to people (new and old) that my niece Becky has. In fact, I'm quite sure that the tangents you're about to endure will make you want to hurt me.

Part of the intense emotion I've been experiencing with Molly's pregnancy and ultimately the birth of little Tyler (who is, by the way, the most perfect and exceptional child the planet has ever yet seen) has been the overwhelming sensation of being a witness to the repetition of the cycle of life. I remember Becky, and then Molly, as they were little bitty creatures...they made me an aunt at age 9 and age 13, respectively...and since they arrived before anyone else on the niece/nephew horizon, they hold a unique place in my heart's memories. Prior to their debuts I had already been very close to their dad, big Tyler. (I'm told my first words, in fact, were "Hi, Ty." ...which indicates to me he probably loved me a lot and spent a lot of time with me when I myself was but a wee tyke.) And their mom was a huge part of my life since we were cheerleader and mascot together at Abilene High in '72. I was 5. She was the big sister I would never have otherwise had...she took me to movies (the drive-in!), the park, and even to her shorthand class after pep rallies. (Maybe this is why I ended up working in law firms?!?) And Tyler always took the protective big brother role way above and beyond. Once when I was 16 I rear-ended a guy in my mom's Cadillac. No damage to my mom's car, but the guy made a claim on his tail light that was cracked approximately 1/4" . Knowing that the repercussions would be steep, Tyler paid the guy about $115 for the damages, which equalled about a million dollars to me back then. And my parents never knew, which was worth even more than a million dollars.

So to say the least, because their parents were so incredibly cool to me, Becky and Molly were very special from the beginning, more like little sisters than nieces. I started baby-sitting when I was about 11, and kept at it until we moved to Albany when I was 16. I spent a lot of time refereeing their arguments, taking them to Baskin Robbins for mint chocolate chip cones, refereeing their arguments, trying to keep them from killing each other and destroying the house, fielding their unreasonable demands as reasonably as possible, refereeing their arguments, joining in their arguments, playing games with them, watching silly movies and TV shows and acting and singing the best parts. We grew up together. And because I was a little older I'm sure I remember things they can't possibly remember, since their memories probably don't go back that far.

They've known me through the best and worst times of my life...seen me make some pretty big mistakes, and some pretty strange decisions, and live with the consequences. And though I would imagine I'm probably at least something of a disappointment to them, they seem to love me anyway, just the way I am. On the other side, I have seen them go through some pretty intense life challenges and not only survive, but thrive. They're stronger because of the obstacles they've faced and overcome. They're closer as sisters and appreciate their common history. They've somehow become women...right before my eyes. Women I look up to, admire and deeply respect.

As I watch Becky with her first nephew I see myself when I first met her, when she was all new and wrinkly and red. She's already a pro at Aunthood. As I watch Molly with her son I am completely awed by how naturally she's handling this supernatural life-changing event. I'm so happy I have them here, to continue to teach me as I age, to humble me, to encourage me...

It's good to be grateful for the family you have. It may not be traditional; it may not look like anyone else's. But it's mine, and it's beautiful. And as Big Tyler so poignantly put it this week, "I like additions better than minuses."

Some Like it Hot

This week I rediscovered, but in a completely new way, something I used to love...something that once was a powerful and intense force in my physical, mental and spiritual life. Yoga. Only this time, as opposed to 15 years ago, I'm exploring the practice of Bikram Yoga, wherein the room is heated to a whopping 105˚ and you are still expected to hold intensely difficult postures for a very unreasonable amount of time. With all the sweating happening in there, it's a lot like an orgiastic triathalon on a typical mid-afternoon in Houston in July. Uh...well, kinda.

I started hearing about "hot" yoga a couple of years ago and, like most things outisde the realm of the Christian faith, I dismissed it as something I could not participate in. How ironic that after taking just two classes, I feel closer to God than I have in years.

There are many reasons I'm falling in love with yoga again, and that I'm grateful for having the opportunity to practice it at this specific time in my life. Most significantly, I've felt completely lost spiritually since I broke up with my church and moved to Austin. Until I was faced with the seemingly impossible challenge of wearing as few clothes as possible and actually looking at myself in the mirror...in the EYE yet...I hadn't realized how much I've been avoiding the last few months. This week I've been confronted with mySelf, and am timidly, warily, learning to connect with who I happen to be right in this moment.

It's amazing how strong the urge is to avoid, look away, avoid...unnerving how I have to remind myself or be externally reminded to simply open my eyes. So now I'm noticing other situations where I'm avoiding looking directly at people...not only in merely transactional relationships like the grocery store, but even in conversations with friends...and especially in my therapist's office.

Suffice to say there is some good, deep, synchronistic healing going on. Fortunately, I know from experience that self-awareness is hard-won, and never without some growing pain. But I've reached a point in my human bean existence: I'd rather sit in the hot seat than swim in the cool, comfortable waters of illusion and stagnancy.

Breakfast at Tiffany's; Lunch at Jo's

(written yesterday, sorry...no time to post!)

Sorry folks, this is, unfortunately, not a sordid story about a bisexual's fine dining experiences. I have a lunch date today. Strange, but true. I've never seen even a picture of this person but we've played a bit of phone tag and we actually spoke last night. (LOL & OMG. Am I still in 7th grade or WHAT?!?!) I decided to try a different kind of dating service -- since I loathe ALL of the internet's hook up services -- probably because in the rare event that I've actually gotten excited about someone I've met via the WWW, and have actually agreed to meet him for a date, I've always been truly meh over the dude and have been checking my watch every five seconds while not so secretly planning my escape route. (I don't actually own a watch. Sorry. I lied about that. I check the time on my cell phone.) Where was I? Oh, yeah, OK, this new service is apparently targeted to more "mature" people like myself. They spin it positively by saying it's targeting professionals. But ooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhh whatthehell; I want to meet people that don't work where I work (I will never again shit where I eat)...and the ya-ya's and yo-yo's I normally hang out with are very unlikely to introduce me to someone who would actually be good for me.

Of course, just as with the internet, I'm not pinning all my hopes and dreams on this lunch date. I'm way too cynical for that.

(ok now it's actually Wednesday)

So my date. It was actually really good! I enjoyed the conversation and he wasn't a total freak. How refreshing! There are other (at least seemingly) normal people who are 40ish, have never been married and don't have kids. (Yet.) Hmmmm....after living so close to Stepford for almost 5 years, I was beginning to wonder if there was even one other person on the planet like me.

Anywayz...we'll see what happens.

I had a whole brilliant post in mind when I started this one yesterday. Of course I can't remember any of it now.

Urbanity

After submitting an extremely obscene word made up during the course of conversation last night, I've spent the entire day cruising urbandictionary.com's Words of the Day. Therefore, I've spent the entire day lmmfao. Some of my personal faves:

check your vitals (accounts for about 95% of my workday)

floordrobe (describes my domestic skills perfectly)

disco nap (took one of these yesterday, so it made me laugh)

epiphanot (i've had so many of these during my lifetime, i'm ashamed i didn't create this word myself)

craptastic (during an epiphanot, i thought i created this word myself; but it's been around since 2001, and i can't claim it. craptastic.)

retox (a daily practice of mine)

Truthenize (a satisfying endeavor, unless you're the truthenizee)

pre-pull (just plain funny)

connectile dysfunction (holy shit. even funnier.)

and finally...

blogorrhea (accounts for at least 99.9% of what i post here)

I obviously have nothing interesting to say

I have a friend who blogs all of these intelligent and interesting, educational pieces on her blog. It's pretty damned impressive. I think most of what I've vomited onto the world wide web has been some kind of weak emotional catharticism, centered around a relationship, or just plain fluff. Not that this strikes at my ego, mind you, because I yam what I yam. But I think it's telling about the depth of my mind. Mwa ha ha. Perhaps that's why this blogoriffic thing is a therapeutic enterprise... a mirror into my own life that I couldn't otherwise see clearly through. I like it, I like it.

I'm going to therapy today. The therapist I'm going to see is a hypnotherapist as well and deals with some of the major damages I've experienced in my life. I'm excited about going. Not that I think she'll hocus pocus me into pristine mental health or anything, but maybe I'll suddenly have the uncontrollable urge to work out every day, have great posture, drink water and eat only to fuel my body for optimum energy, and let go of at least some (one? please?) of the 10,000 annoying and not-so-constructive habits I've acquired over the last 39.5 years. Now THAT would be worth the price of admission.