Email That Keeps On Giving

Excerpts from an email exchange that has produced uncontrollable bursts of laughter from me all day long, hinting to my cubemates that I am a wasteoid:

D2:
...These legs in shorts are not pretty, and the thought of putting on a swimsuit is just disgusting. ...

Molly:
...And you don't even know fat legs until you've seen what I'm working with here. My doctor says I'm gaining too much weight. I hate her. What does she know anyway. ...

D2:
...By the way, eff your doctor and her "you're gaining too much weight" bs. Has SHE ever had a baby?!? ...

Molly:
...Anyway, my doctor can suck it and you can call me when you're done workin it out. ...

A Shout Out in Four Beautiful Directions

This is an intersection of the most beautiful kind. Earth, Air, Fire and Water. Hmmm...who is whom? OK let's just deal it around. Of course we all are all, which is harmonious in every way. Water is Becky. Emotion and Depth, with a steadiness that comforts and holds worlds of the brightest imagination unseen and therefore unknown and underappreciated because it is secret and untouchable by most humans. Air is Debbie. Always of the Spirit and Higher Thought. Always caressing that which is otherwise neglected. Tender and sensitive to the environment, necessary for enacting all change and further - capable of moving mountains and shifting weather patterns. I am Fire. Passionate and dangerous, unpredictable...truth-seeking. And Molly is Earth. Solid and steady, capable of MIGHTY provision for all who are lucky to feel her love. Rooted, grounded, full of natural, breathtaking resources...bringing forth goodness and renewable supply.

We have intersected, my Dear Ones.

Read this blog, and it expresses in words what I can only feel intangibly in my heart and memory and future. Everything I've failed to enunciate about the Divine knowledge of all that is Feminine. What we mean and give to each other, often unknowingly.

http://randompermutations.blogspot.com/2007/02/blog-envy.html

SqueakMasterFlash

My bf's cat Squeaky was hit by a car last night. Awwww, Squeaks! When T took Squeaky to the animal hospital, x-rays revealed a completely fractured palate (ouch) and multiple fractures in his jaw, but no brain damage and no other injuries. Recovery from surgery: 6-8 weeks while being fed through a tube. We spent a harrowing time period deciding whether Squeaky's potential quality of life was going to be worth the $2k+ vet bill that no one can afford. It was excruciating. Teetering on the side of euthanasia...the vet offered another option for $600. I want to know why this option was not offered up in the first place, because now T is understandably, yet somewhat irrationally guilty about even considering ending The Squeaks' life. I mean, if this cat can survive a car crash with no brain damage, he deserves to stick around, if for nothing else but bragging rights in all those future cat chat circles.

Back at the ranch...neither of us slept for our thoughts of poor Squeaky...there all alone and hurt in the animal hospital. It was a long, restless night. We went to pick him up at 6:00am and received the detailed instructions for his care. He has a long road ahead of him, but he's going to be okay. This is a pretty amazing outcome in my mind after all of the other possibilities floating around last night. I'm glad poor Squeaker will still be around to covet my Cheetohs and give me the sexy eyes. And I have to admit my fascination and respect for my bf's true Buddhist nature. Any man who agonizes for hours over saving the life of his cat to the tune of 2 grand...and most decidedly not his favorite cat at that, has a heart worth inspecting very closely.

Ain't Life Grand?

In case you haven't noticed, I don't write when all is not right in my world. I prefer to live in la la land...where everything is happy and nice. I don't like documenting the myriad moments and events that don't fall either into the parameters of my happy little illusions, or into the category of funky fantasmatism.

So I have resurfaced, since today is happy, funky and fantasmagorical.

I've been dwelling in an anxiety-ridden state for a couple of days. Make that several days. I had my first "real" presentation today, demonstrating a new piece of software for my peers. I was freakin nervous, man! I realized last night that I've been piling on so much significance, weight and importance on my job, which has translated into lacing myself up in a straightjacket of performance fear. Having money issues the last couple of months has added to the pressure, because I MUST succeed in my job in order to keep my life from falling over the proverbial cliff into actual destitution. Somehow all of that melded together in my mind and body to equal the belief that unless I gave the most stellar, thorough and scintillating presentation of this piece of software this morning, my life in Austin as I know and love it would be unrecoverably destroyed.

Yesterday, on 3 hours of sleep, I had one of the most trying days of the year. I'll spare you most of those details. After work & dinner I took a laptop home so I could work on my presentation. When I was finally ready to settle down and go to it, I couldn't log in to the bloody bugger. Left an accusatory-in-tone message for one of my coworkers, who had very kindly set the bleeding laptop up for me, at 10:00pm. "Umm. Why can't I log in?" Immediately after I hung up, I realized I actually know the admin log in and that's what I am supposed to use, since that login gives me God powers and is thus far superior to my own login. So I text message my coworker. "Oops! Sorry...just remembered admin...iou a coke!" Of course, he got the text message before my voicemail, so he was highly befuddled and called me back; I was forced to explain myself. Since the whole day was a series of diabolical stress tests, this little scenario did not assist with my anxiety issue. At that point I did what any sane person would do: popped an Ambien, powered down the laptop and went to sleep.

I'm going to have to remember this technique because from the first moment of my awareness everything about my day has been quite lovely. Anxiety gone, I drove to work in a day fecund with glorious promise (it's 80° and blue skies in Austin today, folks). I got to work early and received a silly little message from a specifically yummy and goofy person. Mighty encouraging. Then I calmly organized my thoughts and materials, setup the conference room and breezed through my presentation with confidence and humor. Immediately sensed my tech cred rise among my peers. Jovially lunched with said peers at groovy noodle place. (Did I mention the weather here?!?! Just the walk was edifying.) Leisurely enjoyed espresso and vivifying conversation in even groovier coffee joint. Returned to desk and began to blog.

Oh, yeah, and the money issue that has been stressing me out was alleviated greatly. This morning I deposited a little rent checkie from my roommate and remembered why I made that semi-sacrificial business deal.

It's grand, people, it really is grand.

Million Draft Curse

So I have, yeah, you guessed it, like a million draft blogs going now. As you can see, none of them have actually fleshed out into fruition. But I kind of feel like a squirrel storing away her nuts. One of these days I'll find an idea in there I can actually use. I know I'm the only one reading my blog anyway, so it doesn't matter. (Hey me, how's it going? Have a nice day!)

Aliens

We're all aliens.
None of us are actually from here.
Didn't you already know that?
Don't act surprised.
Have you ever felt at home
Standing in front of yourself?
My guess is, if ever, not many times, my friend. Not many.
Aliens all.
Every One.

So when you feel superior
Because your wallet's thicker,
Your bank account exceeds that, and
You have so many accounts - hmmm.
Remember, that you're actually...probably...well, just fat.

When you think you're better
Just because the percentage
Of your pigment
Is lower...ummm...
What did YOU have to do with the outcome of THAT?

When your nationality dictates - no feeds -
the impregnable superiority conflict you've developed and justified;
You've entrusted to governmental bodies and figures
Explaining to you at every opportunity that this is so...the more money you have, the more right you are my friend. The more right you are.

Elected governmental bodies and figures
Engraining fear into your very soul
At every opportune opportunity
Like the outrageous and shameless opportunists they are.

Have we been invaded?
And not from our southern border...try one day without a Mexican.
I mean have more intelligent forms
From somewhere out there
Out there
"Somewhere out there, beneath a sea of blue..."
(OK tangents are fun)

Have we been overtaken by beings that live
in a relativity beyond our imaginations
Beyond our perceptions
Beyond our ability to defend ourselves against...

And then...
I thought

What if

All the computer systems, old and rehashed...composted on the layer of plastic our generation will be reduced to after the "NOOKYOOLER" holocaust...

Suddenly found a source of intelligent energy and were called into service as an army.

Swimming

traveling beneath air
substance of mystery
world misunderstood
irrelevant history
resisting arrest
floating, bouyant
rising emotion
reception dormant
allowing, flowing
patches of light
through the darkness
i reignite

Thank You, Marianne Williamson

Today I discovered that my favorite quote is frequently misattributed to Nelson Mandela. Turns out he did not say this in his 1994 Inaugural Speech.

Urban Myth #982,243,561,071,260.2

Here it is:
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

It titillates me to no small degree that a woman penned these words. Don't get me wrong, I love Nelson Mandela. But now that I know the truth, it should have been obvious to me that these words come from a woman's heart and soul...the inspiration is uniquely feminine and speaks to me in that deep place.

I am also intrigued that the words came from a book written out of a (study? spiritual text? journey towards enlightenment?) that crossed my path of consciousness in the early '90s while I was living in New York, called "A Course In Miracles." At the time, I felt led to read the book but like so many other things, never got around to it. (Maybe because a friend of mine who went through it shaved his head, quit drinking and took a vow of silence, essentially making it impossible to communicate with him further. Or maybe because I was even more ADD then than I am now, and the book was thicker than a newspaper. I was intimidated.)

I'm currently experiencing yet another new chapter in my spiritual life...one of deep questioning, and not a little personal conflict. For the past 4-5 years, I was a member of - and then an employee of - a conservative-as-possible Southern Baptist Convention church. When I landed on the doorstep of that institution I was as lost and broken as possible. I found real hope and peace there that was truly like "living water" to my soul. I found loving people and I found a reason to keep breathing and I accepted everything they told me as Absolute Truth. I simply wanted a way out of my pain, so I threw out all of my prior negative deductions about Jesus and decided to see what blind belief would accomplish.

The end of my experience with said institution was...not pretty. I'm not ready to talk about all that here, mostly because anyone actually reading this has already heard my incessant pining on the subject ad nauseum. Suffice to say I feel disillusioned...and my disappointment extends beyond the specific institution. I'm extrapolating my negativity, perhaps subconsciously, towards Christianity as a whole. And I'm saying it out loud even though I know it's blasphemous. As my dear friend D sagely states, "I can't subscribe to a theology that requires me to check my brain at the door."

I can finally confess all the many conflicts in my heart while I was attempting to blindly adopt the church's beliefs as my own. For example, I never could quite reconcile the church's position on homosexuality. I love gay people. They make the world much more vibrant and interesting. Then there's the take that science is evil since it all doesn't fit neatly into Creation Theory.

But no doubt, The Big One for me, as a mildly intelligent, wildly independent woman, was always the woman's place in the church, workplace, and family. Even on a theoretical level I couldn't subscribe, even though I actually, really, well, sort of...wanted to. For a minute.

I'm still in mourning for my illusion. Sometimes I want it back...but then I realize that's just because it was easier to let someone else think for me.

So this is a beautiful full circle. The words of a woman, Marianne Williamson, inspire me to trust myself. To let go of my fear and allow myself to become the best me I can, without placing the limitations of self- or societal-perception on exactly who I will be.

Parenthetical:
About the misattribution Marianne Williamson said, "Several years ago, this paragraph from A Return to Love began popping up everywhere, attributed to Nelson Mandela's 1994 inaugural address. As honored as I would be had President Mandela quoted my words, indeed he did not. I have no idea where that story came from, but I am gratified that the paragraph has come to mean so much to so many people."

Life Satisfaction: High

A day really can make a lot of difference. I, along with 99.9% of my acquaintance, have been bluesy lately. I've attempted to post about various topics and ideas and have really just been too emotionally exhausted to be interesting.

I've been worried that my job performance has, well, sucked. I was late to work 4 out of 5 days. Anywhere from 15 minutes to a couple of hours. Seriously. Since I just started and my coworkers don't really know me, of course I am imagining what they must think of me:

"Wow. In the interview she was so energetic."

"I wonder if she'll ever contribute anything meaningful or if she'll surf the web and sigh all day...every day."

"I wonder if she'll ever comb her hair or wear makeup again. She looked pretty decent in the interview..."

"Is she schizophrenic?"

"Why, again, exactly, did we hire this chick?"

Then I realize that after they get to know me they'll still ask these questions.

This morning I walked into my boss' office. "Uh...can I come in at 9:00 instead of 8:30?" "Sure. Start on Monday if you want." "I'm sorry I've been erratic this week." "I haven't noticed. You're doing a great job." I worked with THE Big Cheese of the Firm for 10 minutes, and he says, "I've been hearing great things about you." We proceed to laugh and I notice that the words coming out of my mouth are not only coherent but mildly intelligent and humorous as well. Bonus. One of my coworkers says to me, "Wow, if I would have known you when I had my own training company, we'd still be in business."

I'm starting to wonder if I have a Good Twin who has been kicking ass in my stead, while I surf the web and sigh all day. If so, I love her.

My personal life is good too. I am happy. (Wow.) You know, having sympatico people in your sphere is important. I feel like I went away to another planet for ten years and just got home again. It's nice to be awake, and aware of the abundance in my life.