I had a lucid dream two nights ago that has been inspiring me since I had it. This is significant because for the last 3, 4, heck maybe even 5 years I haven't been able to regularly remember my dreams at all. And that is significant because in my prior dreaming life I depended on my nighttime visions as a powerful source for guidance, wisdom and creativity.
In my recent dreamless years, I have to admit to a sense of disconnection with my inner Self. When I left LA and my most intense relationship to date, I think I had to sever some emotional ties. With myself. It was a necessity for my survival at the time, because believe me, I was 10 kinds of crazy. Lost as Amelia Earhart in the Bermuda Triangle and searching for answers...anything...that would stop the pain and disappointment I felt for my entire life of perceived failures...my decisions, my acting "career," all my failed relationships and desires and...well, dreams. Unfortunately what got lost in that process of searching was me. I stopped trusting myself. Because obviously, I didn't know what I was doing, and, obviously, I needed to admit that perhaps other people knew a better way. For me. I gave up control.
The Christians love this, this thing called "humility." And there is no doubt that humility is a dwindling character trait that more people need to investigate. Americans, and subsequently, America, desperately need a large dose. But for some people, some people like me, we tend to take that concept a little too far. People like me actually relish the thought of giving up control...it's why we do lots of drugs and start drinking as soon as the clock strikes noon. People who have endured any kind of abuse, especially of a sexual nature, are naturally and tragically humbled in their lives. And have a tendency to place too much faith in others' opinions. And insert the phrase "I'm sorry" into every other sentence. These are some of my maladies.
I'm not here to bash Christianity again; I'm just reviewing last 3, 4, heck maybe even 5 years, and my choice to completely mistrust and ultimately abandon my own beliefs, desires and even my personality while I immersed myself in that faith is a part of what I want to say here. I think my dreamlessness was trying to tell me something. I walked away from acting (not just professionaly, but even just for fun), something I have been doing since I came out of the womb. I did this because my (Christian) therapist told me it was, well, kind of a skanky thing to do. I should use my gifts for God. Which I did, oh boy, did I ever, to the nth degree. I sang and acted and built sets and directed and painted and designed lighting and bought costumes and paid Home Depot's mortgage and spent nights alone at the church making 6 foot dinosaurs out of chicken wire and wrote and wrote and wrote and led other artists and left my second career in Corporate America and went into debt because of the pay cut and the buying of all the artistic materials because we had no budget at the church of course and I took out my own trash and worked about 80 hours a week and told people they weren't talented and couldn't be on the team because that's what my boss told me I had to do and I gained 30 pounds in a year and still I wasn't good enough for my boss, there was always something else I should have focused on or done differently and ultimately I couldn't even have a conversation with him without crying and then he smelled blood in the water and emotionally eviscerated me at every opportunity until finally I said I can't do this anymore and I quit.
No wonder I couldn't remember my dreams.
Back to the present...
In the months since all of that I have been lost...searching for answers...trying to discover who I am and what I want. Unfortunately, what I've actually been doing is reverting to some old, familiar escapist behaviors, which is equally as control-relinquishing as any dogma.
This is where my dream comes in. I was flying, and I was in total control of the flight, aware that I was in control and guiding myself. I was about 20 feet above ground...flying above a busy neighborhood...watching the people and their activities below but serious about staying on my own path and focusing on where I was headed. Most strange and prevalent in my thoughts is the fact that my body was completely upright, and in a star shape. Fully aligned, head erect, strong and guiding everything, arms outstretched to the side, long and strong and reaching out in both directions, legs also long and strong and balanced, hands and feet pointed powerfully all yoga-like. Significantly, the posture I was holding while flying is the preparation posture for the Triangle pose. No doubt, this was the strongest and best I've felt about my body in literally years...and that feeling has not left me since I had the dream.
What also has not left me since I had that dream is the realization that I am in control of my life, and that I am not only free but also completely able to guide its direction. I've been different since I had this dream. I have a sense of personal power and direction that I haven't had in months. I'm excited about the possibilities that lie ahead for me...here, in my new town and my new life that I chose for myself without caring about anyone else's opinion.
And though I admit I've been drifting...a bit lost and off course, I think I might be catching a tail wind and a view of the stars.
In my recent dreamless years, I have to admit to a sense of disconnection with my inner Self. When I left LA and my most intense relationship to date, I think I had to sever some emotional ties. With myself. It was a necessity for my survival at the time, because believe me, I was 10 kinds of crazy. Lost as Amelia Earhart in the Bermuda Triangle and searching for answers...anything...that would stop the pain and disappointment I felt for my entire life of perceived failures...my decisions, my acting "career," all my failed relationships and desires and...well, dreams. Unfortunately what got lost in that process of searching was me. I stopped trusting myself. Because obviously, I didn't know what I was doing, and, obviously, I needed to admit that perhaps other people knew a better way. For me. I gave up control.
The Christians love this, this thing called "humility." And there is no doubt that humility is a dwindling character trait that more people need to investigate. Americans, and subsequently, America, desperately need a large dose. But for some people, some people like me, we tend to take that concept a little too far. People like me actually relish the thought of giving up control...it's why we do lots of drugs and start drinking as soon as the clock strikes noon. People who have endured any kind of abuse, especially of a sexual nature, are naturally and tragically humbled in their lives. And have a tendency to place too much faith in others' opinions. And insert the phrase "I'm sorry" into every other sentence. These are some of my maladies.
I'm not here to bash Christianity again; I'm just reviewing last 3, 4, heck maybe even 5 years, and my choice to completely mistrust and ultimately abandon my own beliefs, desires and even my personality while I immersed myself in that faith is a part of what I want to say here. I think my dreamlessness was trying to tell me something. I walked away from acting (not just professionaly, but even just for fun), something I have been doing since I came out of the womb. I did this because my (Christian) therapist told me it was, well, kind of a skanky thing to do. I should use my gifts for God. Which I did, oh boy, did I ever, to the nth degree. I sang and acted and built sets and directed and painted and designed lighting and bought costumes and paid Home Depot's mortgage and spent nights alone at the church making 6 foot dinosaurs out of chicken wire and wrote and wrote and wrote and led other artists and left my second career in Corporate America and went into debt because of the pay cut and the buying of all the artistic materials because we had no budget at the church of course and I took out my own trash and worked about 80 hours a week and told people they weren't talented and couldn't be on the team because that's what my boss told me I had to do and I gained 30 pounds in a year and still I wasn't good enough for my boss, there was always something else I should have focused on or done differently and ultimately I couldn't even have a conversation with him without crying and then he smelled blood in the water and emotionally eviscerated me at every opportunity until finally I said I can't do this anymore and I quit.
No wonder I couldn't remember my dreams.
Back to the present...
In the months since all of that I have been lost...searching for answers...trying to discover who I am and what I want. Unfortunately, what I've actually been doing is reverting to some old, familiar escapist behaviors, which is equally as control-relinquishing as any dogma.
This is where my dream comes in. I was flying, and I was in total control of the flight, aware that I was in control and guiding myself. I was about 20 feet above ground...flying above a busy neighborhood...watching the people and their activities below but serious about staying on my own path and focusing on where I was headed. Most strange and prevalent in my thoughts is the fact that my body was completely upright, and in a star shape. Fully aligned, head erect, strong and guiding everything, arms outstretched to the side, long and strong and reaching out in both directions, legs also long and strong and balanced, hands and feet pointed powerfully all yoga-like. Significantly, the posture I was holding while flying is the preparation posture for the Triangle pose. No doubt, this was the strongest and best I've felt about my body in literally years...and that feeling has not left me since I had the dream.
What also has not left me since I had that dream is the realization that I am in control of my life, and that I am not only free but also completely able to guide its direction. I've been different since I had this dream. I have a sense of personal power and direction that I haven't had in months. I'm excited about the possibilities that lie ahead for me...here, in my new town and my new life that I chose for myself without caring about anyone else's opinion.
And though I admit I've been drifting...a bit lost and off course, I think I might be catching a tail wind and a view of the stars.
