It's a Beautiful Day

Don't let it get away!

(Sorry Becky and Molly, I know how much you LOOOOOOOVED it when I forced you to listen to that cassette tape over and over and over again in my Jetta at Christmas!)

I woke up this morning feeling much more...uh...positive...than I have in a while. Good sign... One of my earliest thoughts this morning was that if I don't take care of myself, no one else is going to. Well DUH! How old am I now?!? It would be cool if I could actually remember that for at least a couple of years together. Anyway, after that thought my friend Debbie called and she was a total ray of sunshine and inspiration. God, I love that girl.

My trip to Fort Worth was truly, truly awesome. It's been TWELVE years since I was last there. I was young and...skinny. Now I'm neither. But it doesn't matter because everyone else is old too. And I don't really have wrinkles, so that sort of makes up for my fat ass. It's totally weird not seeing people for that long, especially people who have been extremely important influences on the way you have chosen to live your whole life. (Now before you start thinking less of those people based on the way I've chosen to live my life, wait a minute. I would have been a hell of a (bigger) mess had I never found my way to Hip Pocket Theatre in the late 80s. But that's fodder for another blog.)

I had a super positive presentation today that hopefully bought me at least another month on the payroll. I'm taking the time to be grateful for the many many good things in my life, all of whom are people, and none of which is STUFF.

Starting tomorrow I'm going to blog on a specific subject instead of using this just as a journal. If you're reading this, I love you, because that means you love me enough to go through the SHIT with me, while I'm wallowing in uncontrolled self-pity and self-absorption.

SMAX to you!

Friends

So blah blah blah I'm not talking about my breakup today. It's such bullshit anyway. I'm focusing on what is really good in my life, which is a helluva lot. I have some really good friends here. I have some really good friends who are NOT here. I have my family here and there. I have terrific coworkers. All of these people have shown up for me in their own way, and I would be incredibly remiss not to mention my gratitude for the blessings I have received. I think it's easy sometimes to take the folks in your life for granted. They are probably sick of me talking about what I'm not talking about today, yet they listen anyway. Let me just take the time to recognize how amazing the people in my life really are. Thanks, mates.

I'm looking forward to a trip to Fort Worth this weekend with my old pal David. We'll be hooking up with our old pal Gary. Gary and David and I used to do wacky and creative plays and mime shows at the Hip Pocket Theatre ... in fact, we sort of all grew up there. That place was a huge extended family of fun-loving and lovable characters. Mostly hippies and freaks. It changed my life forever, challenging me to always defy convention, always think outside the box, always believe in beauty and magic. It opened up a whole world of possibilities for me that I never even imagined as I was growing up in West Texas.

I haven't seen Gary since I last lived in New York...which was early 1992. Until we recently connected I haven't seen David since he came to New York in 1997 and saw me act on Ellis Island as Sophia Tovali, an Italian immigrant.

These guys are near and dear to my heart. There is one special memory we all share that had an otherworldly quality to it. (And yes, we were probably stoned, but that's not where the magic came from. Gosh.) I was finishing up a semester at good ole Tarleton State University and wanted to celebrate with my new theatre friends. I borrowed my roommate Vicky's awesome James Bond car, a bright yellow Toyota Corona that her dad had tricked out to the max. I drove to Fort Worth and picked up David and Gary and Michael K. (another Miscreant of the First Order)...and we headed out to Gary's cabin on Possum Kingdom. We picked up some Rolling Rock and some Shiner Bock and made up a stupid song that I have sung ever since...that I still sing to this day ... every time one of those beers is mentioned. (Which is often. I live in Austin.)

Gary's lakefront faces the west, and when we arrived it was nearing sunset. We headed out to the dock and all climbed up the poles to get as high as we could to see the sun as it sank into the mystical waters. Then something strangely beauteous happened...someone started howling/singing...whatever. It turned into this four part harmonious dischordant chant that was unlike anything I'd ever experienced...before or since. Being with people that free and spontaneous and strange has a way of lifting your soul to new heights.

When I think of that one amazing day and night...I am reminded of how free I can be. How free I am right now...and how many possibilities of spontaneous and strange moments I have ahead of me, just waiting to be made. I'm thinking this weekend might offer up a few.

Pain

I didn’t invite you
But you stayed for dinner anyway
You always come when you please
And never leave soon enough
You never leave though I ask politely
In fact your presence in the morning
Is the most troublesome of all

I endure you
Because you teach me
You make me stronger
You help me change
Even so…
I can’t help resenting you
I can’t help but resent you

You are universal
Unavoidable
Unimaginable
Unmistakable

You steal
my breath
my days and nights
my hope

You never do my bidding
Though I seem always to do yours
Every time I think I’m through with you
You knock on my door again
And enter without permission

Broken Heart, Schmokin' Heart

I'm so glad I have a public journal to process...it helps me keep a sense of humor amidst the chaos. :-)

OK so my life is not falling apart and I think it's safe to say that it won't. I'm actually proud of the way I've been responding to this situation...for once. I'm finding that the old routine of blanket bitterness and anger towards The Departed One simply does not work; it only makes me feel worse. Sure, the pain is there, but it is just grief and I'm well-acquainted with that. I know every day it actually does lessen, at least somewhat.

It's impossible to live and sleep with someone on a pretty much daily basis, garden with them and feed their miracle cat through a tube without developing at least some level of intimacy, and when that's gone, it's like being an herb fiend in a dry season. That said, I'm maintaining the consciousness that I entered the relationship on specific terms. Since I fully agreed to the Rules of Participation, I cannot allow myself whine about the fact that I ended up not being able to keep up my end of the bargain. I accept responsibility for my actions, even if they were quite impulsive, and possibly even ill-advised, considering my emotional makeup. But learning key things about yourself, even if you have to learn them over and over again, is valuable.

I feel the most liberated and hopeful when I can think of The Departed One as happier and freer now to pursue the desires of his, er...uh...loins (heart just does not work in this case). That actually makes me laugh out loud. Good sign. Anyway, he truthfully is a wonderfully unique and entertaining being, and I'm happy that we spent the time together the way we did. It liberated me from a lot of self-imposed limitations that I didn't even know I needed liberated from, and piercingly reminded me of some of the things I like about myself and forgot somewhere along the way.

I'm happily surprised to discover that I'm not allowing myself to truly wallow in pain or destructive, negative thoughts for any amount of time. This is a new turn of events in my life...actually commanding control of my sometimes scary mind, adamantly refuting the brooding inner critic and replacing the lies with some light and love for myself.

I do, however, still have a mischevious penchant for the taboo. I defied the number one breakup rule of all time and sent my ex-lover a lengthy letter (email) describing in painstaking detail (as I am wont to do) what my current perceptions are of our relationship and its demise, and of course wishing him well. I have an unlimited appetite for discovering deep psychological and emotional truth, which is probably why I'm approaching 40 and still single! :-) Anyway, I wrote it without expectation of reply, without expectation of resolution...but with a desire to bring closure for myself. It helps me to read it and to know that he will read it and at least know my heart, even if he disagrees or sees things differently (highly likely).

But that one action, however ill-advised, is actually helping me to let go. I think since I survived the first week, I'm ready to start my life again...get excited about the idea I have for a play, start working out religiously, focus on setting and achieving some meaningful goals at work.

P.S. I did go out on a date last night. He was cute and intelligent and all, and even interested in me, but my heart just wasn't in it. As Becky says, "meh." I'm going to keep dating, though, until that old familiar spark appears again.

Mailroom

"Out Going Male"

I just thought that was funny.

And now...for something completely different

Well this has been a challenging week. Breaking up with someone you think you are in love with sucks. Ass. But, that is a well-known human phenomenon and I certainly can't add anything new or interesting to the discussion.

I've been keeping myself as busy as possible...accepting every invitation that comes my way. Fortunately, that means I haven't been sitting at home crying. (I actually do most of my crying sitting in front of my computer screen at work.) Last night a really hot guy, young enough to be my friggin son, locked eyes with me and asked me for my number. Since I was at Rutamaya, he could have been on some serious drugs. Nevertheless, it made me feel less like a toad.

The entire point of this post is that I have an actual date tomorrow with someone I met online and have been chatting with. I of course have no great hopes for this date since I am still wallowing in my post-T misery, but it will at least be something to dress up for, look forward to, and hopefully enjoy. He's in grad school so I'm assuming he's at least intelligent enough to hold up his own end of an interesting conversation. And he's 12 years younger than I, so our maturity level is probably pretty close. ;-) We're going to see something sure to make us laugh that one of my coworkers is in. This guy (coworker, not the date) works in the mailroom and is consistently one of the brightest spots in my day. He always has a smile and extraordinarily energetic and theatrical behavior. He knows I'm an actor too, so we have some fun exchanges. I've been wanting to go see him in his show, and it just so happened that he offered me a couple of free tix, which I can't pass up. Like I said, I'm happy to have a distraction.

In another of my conversations today the prospect of 2 comp tickets to the ballet came up, and I jumped on those too. I had heard about this production on the radio recently and it's one of the few things that have caught my attention...something I really wanted to see. And then I forgot about it. I have a special place in my heart for Taming of the Shrew since I had the pleasure of a lifetime playing Kate in grad school. Needless to say, I can't wait.

I have Friday off since it's Good Friday. This is ironic to me for a couple of reasons:

#1) For the past few years I did not have Good Friday off, but since I was so involved with my church, always took a vacation day to volunteer at Good Friday Day Camp. So it was kind of a double whammy of suckage.

#2) Long weekends are major super bonuses when you are in a relationship, whether or not your SO has the day off as well. It can be used to prepare something fantastically romantic for your mate after they get off work, for example. This was a plan of mine, which is now obviously null and void.

#3) Since I recently broke up with said T-person, weekends are an ominous prospect at best. The potential for down time in which to obsess is great. I made it through the first weekend by removing myself from Austin. So my first "single" weekend in Austin will be 150% longer than a normal weekend. Great.

OK, now that THAT is out of my system...

I once again choose to look on the bright side. My friend David has the day off on Friday as well, so we will spend the day together catching up, having fun, possibly exploring this arts festival. (You have to scroll down to see a pic of the place.) Then we'll go to the ballet, which will be awesome.

The most ironic/strange/strange/strange thing about this weekend will be that it is Easter. Since I'm currently "off" organized religion, I already know Sunday will be weird for me. But, c'est la vie, and la vie marches on. One step at a time.

Au Revoir, Mon Amant

Breaking up is hard to do. But for the first time in my life, I feel equipped to survive it. I was falling in love; he wasn't...so there is nothing to be done but part ways. For once I'm mostly seeing things more logically than emotionally, while giving myself the opportunity to feel every feeling I have, acknowledge it, and let it go...as I let him go. Having a broken heart truly sucks...it's probably the worst pain in the world; but from experience I know I will heal, and that keeps me breathing.

I don't want to get too psychological here and start analyzing all the mistakes I made. For sure, there have been plenty. But I'm glad I still have the ability to love and to be unguarded with my deep emotions. I'm glad I've decided to place a higher value on what I have to offer in a relationship. I'm glad I made a choice to protect my heart instead of staying in a situation that is unrequieted. That's never good and I believe it hurts less now than it would later.

I entered this relationship with my eyes open to the rules, contexts and boundaries. I was willing to be in a situation where other women were also welcome to my boyfriend. That never materialized while I was with him, but the "threat" was always looming and slowly beating a deep purple bruise into my heart. When the issue arose again last week I realized that this is not a situation I can handle emotionally; more importantly, it's not one I want to handle.

I'm extremely giving and generous to the people I love. I aim to give freely and without expectation, because I find great joy in giving joy. This is not a particularly valued or respected trait in a Capitalist society, so I've always devalued this aspect of me. This year I've embraced the part of my nature that receives pleasure and fulfillment from serving others...it's been a wonderful thing to accept as an important part of Who I Am. Prior to this acceptance of this part of myself, I always ended up with bitterness and anger about what I gave to others...often receiving a meager percentage in return. I'm grateful that I don't feel that way in this situation, and instead that I'm taking responsibility for my choices. It's a different reaction and that must mean I've learned something.

As I go through the inevitable grief and loss of a really fun relationship, I'm working on claiming as my own all of the good things I gleamed out of it. I earned all of the goodness, so I'm taking it with me. In the past I've always wanted to divorce myself of every single thing that reminded me of the relationship...but not this time.

• I still want to learn more about the French language...to challenge myself with its impossibly seductive dialect and sentence structure.
• I want to explore more about gardening
• I want to continue to have relationships with "his" friends who are now my friends
• I want to keep listening to my newfound desire to have children, even at this late stage in the game
• I want to keep healing from my past and opening myself up to the possibility of love
• I want to keep believing I am lovable and worthy of an equal return of the love I give
• I want to keep listening to the radio station he turned me onto

My personal challenge of the moment, in spite of my desire to retain all that is good, is to start experiencing Austin sans Thierry and claim my experience here as my own. Because we've been together since I moved here, he is in every vista, every highway, every place...and almost every relationship here. There is a perilous dichotomy of embracing and letting go...embracing and letting go...