Thank You, Marianne Williamson

Today I discovered that my favorite quote is frequently misattributed to Nelson Mandela. Turns out he did not say this in his 1994 Inaugural Speech.

Urban Myth #982,243,561,071,260.2

Here it is:
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

It titillates me to no small degree that a woman penned these words. Don't get me wrong, I love Nelson Mandela. But now that I know the truth, it should have been obvious to me that these words come from a woman's heart and soul...the inspiration is uniquely feminine and speaks to me in that deep place.

I am also intrigued that the words came from a book written out of a (study? spiritual text? journey towards enlightenment?) that crossed my path of consciousness in the early '90s while I was living in New York, called "A Course In Miracles." At the time, I felt led to read the book but like so many other things, never got around to it. (Maybe because a friend of mine who went through it shaved his head, quit drinking and took a vow of silence, essentially making it impossible to communicate with him further. Or maybe because I was even more ADD then than I am now, and the book was thicker than a newspaper. I was intimidated.)

I'm currently experiencing yet another new chapter in my spiritual life...one of deep questioning, and not a little personal conflict. For the past 4-5 years, I was a member of - and then an employee of - a conservative-as-possible Southern Baptist Convention church. When I landed on the doorstep of that institution I was as lost and broken as possible. I found real hope and peace there that was truly like "living water" to my soul. I found loving people and I found a reason to keep breathing and I accepted everything they told me as Absolute Truth. I simply wanted a way out of my pain, so I threw out all of my prior negative deductions about Jesus and decided to see what blind belief would accomplish.

The end of my experience with said institution was...not pretty. I'm not ready to talk about all that here, mostly because anyone actually reading this has already heard my incessant pining on the subject ad nauseum. Suffice to say I feel disillusioned...and my disappointment extends beyond the specific institution. I'm extrapolating my negativity, perhaps subconsciously, towards Christianity as a whole. And I'm saying it out loud even though I know it's blasphemous. As my dear friend D sagely states, "I can't subscribe to a theology that requires me to check my brain at the door."

I can finally confess all the many conflicts in my heart while I was attempting to blindly adopt the church's beliefs as my own. For example, I never could quite reconcile the church's position on homosexuality. I love gay people. They make the world much more vibrant and interesting. Then there's the take that science is evil since it all doesn't fit neatly into Creation Theory.

But no doubt, The Big One for me, as a mildly intelligent, wildly independent woman, was always the woman's place in the church, workplace, and family. Even on a theoretical level I couldn't subscribe, even though I actually, really, well, sort of...wanted to. For a minute.

I'm still in mourning for my illusion. Sometimes I want it back...but then I realize that's just because it was easier to let someone else think for me.

So this is a beautiful full circle. The words of a woman, Marianne Williamson, inspire me to trust myself. To let go of my fear and allow myself to become the best me I can, without placing the limitations of self- or societal-perception on exactly who I will be.

Parenthetical:
About the misattribution Marianne Williamson said, "Several years ago, this paragraph from A Return to Love began popping up everywhere, attributed to Nelson Mandela's 1994 inaugural address. As honored as I would be had President Mandela quoted my words, indeed he did not. I have no idea where that story came from, but I am gratified that the paragraph has come to mean so much to so many people."