Broken Heart, Schmokin' Heart

I'm so glad I have a public journal to process...it helps me keep a sense of humor amidst the chaos. :-)

OK so my life is not falling apart and I think it's safe to say that it won't. I'm actually proud of the way I've been responding to this situation...for once. I'm finding that the old routine of blanket bitterness and anger towards The Departed One simply does not work; it only makes me feel worse. Sure, the pain is there, but it is just grief and I'm well-acquainted with that. I know every day it actually does lessen, at least somewhat.

It's impossible to live and sleep with someone on a pretty much daily basis, garden with them and feed their miracle cat through a tube without developing at least some level of intimacy, and when that's gone, it's like being an herb fiend in a dry season. That said, I'm maintaining the consciousness that I entered the relationship on specific terms. Since I fully agreed to the Rules of Participation, I cannot allow myself whine about the fact that I ended up not being able to keep up my end of the bargain. I accept responsibility for my actions, even if they were quite impulsive, and possibly even ill-advised, considering my emotional makeup. But learning key things about yourself, even if you have to learn them over and over again, is valuable.

I feel the most liberated and hopeful when I can think of The Departed One as happier and freer now to pursue the desires of his, er...uh...loins (heart just does not work in this case). That actually makes me laugh out loud. Good sign. Anyway, he truthfully is a wonderfully unique and entertaining being, and I'm happy that we spent the time together the way we did. It liberated me from a lot of self-imposed limitations that I didn't even know I needed liberated from, and piercingly reminded me of some of the things I like about myself and forgot somewhere along the way.

I'm happily surprised to discover that I'm not allowing myself to truly wallow in pain or destructive, negative thoughts for any amount of time. This is a new turn of events in my life...actually commanding control of my sometimes scary mind, adamantly refuting the brooding inner critic and replacing the lies with some light and love for myself.

I do, however, still have a mischevious penchant for the taboo. I defied the number one breakup rule of all time and sent my ex-lover a lengthy letter (email) describing in painstaking detail (as I am wont to do) what my current perceptions are of our relationship and its demise, and of course wishing him well. I have an unlimited appetite for discovering deep psychological and emotional truth, which is probably why I'm approaching 40 and still single! :-) Anyway, I wrote it without expectation of reply, without expectation of resolution...but with a desire to bring closure for myself. It helps me to read it and to know that he will read it and at least know my heart, even if he disagrees or sees things differently (highly likely).

But that one action, however ill-advised, is actually helping me to let go. I think since I survived the first week, I'm ready to start my life again...get excited about the idea I have for a play, start working out religiously, focus on setting and achieving some meaningful goals at work.

P.S. I did go out on a date last night. He was cute and intelligent and all, and even interested in me, but my heart just wasn't in it. As Becky says, "meh." I'm going to keep dating, though, until that old familiar spark appears again.